DC Metro Mommy Blog

Local counselor, Jennifer Kogan shares the reasons why parents might what to rethink the way we praise our children.  You will be surprised by what you read.

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While it may seem counterintuitive, it is actually not always helpful to say "Good job!" to your toddler or child. Here's why. Many years ago, (when most of us parents were toddlers ourselves) a child psychiatrist named Haim Ginott made a discovery. He happened to see a young boy pick up a heavy chair. Dr. Ginott said to the boy, "Wow, you sure are strong!" The boy replied with a shrug, "No, I'm not."  The boy's discouraged statement puzzled Dr. Ginott.

A few days later, Dr. Ginott met with another child and asked her to lift the heavy chair. This time he didn't say anything as the girl completed the task.  As soon as she raised the chair, she proudly declared, "I'm strong!"

Does this anecdote mean you shouldn't praise your kids? No, but it does mean we should look closely at how we praise. Most of us want our children to see themselves as caring people rather than as people who only do nice things when they get something or perform well. Check out the tools below to help you foster empathy and feelings of well-being in your child(ren):

Praise-Free Parenting Toolbox*

1. Describe what you see specifically (e.g., "I see you climbed each stair and now you are at the very top of the slide!") allows your child to tell herself that she has done a good job.

2. Instead of saying, "good job" try, "you did it."  Or simply give your child a thumbs up. Both tell your child that you saw and you cared about what happened but it still gives your child the room to feel proud.

3. In lieu of saying, "you're such a great helper" explain the effects of the child's actions on other people. "You set the table. Boy that makes it a lot easier on me while I'm cooking."

4. Instead of pronouncing, "good sharing, Susie" Ask rather than judge. "What made you decide to give some of your brownie to Danny even though you didn't have to?"  This primes Susie to really look inside herself and feel good about herself.

If you are still not sure about this, I recommend that you experiment to see how your child responds when you take the evaluation out of your feedback. For parents of toddlers and young children, this means taking a step back and letting your child give voice to what is inside of him.  Ultimately, you will be giving him a tremendous gift and making a sound investment for his future.

* From Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW provides counseling and support to parents in her northwest DC practice. Learn more at www.jenniferkogan.com.